I am an Attention Whore. Since I have begun to play WoW guys have flocked to me, often I'd have people to flirt with at any given moment. Many would be pissed before long b/c I wouldn't put out but for a couple years I was married and refused to put out or talk about anything other then things related to my relationship. I'm a really open person. Ask me a question, you'll get an honest answer. This doesn't sit well with most.
These days, I crave attention. I want AFFECTION more then anything. Despite a guy I had just met getting mad at me and saying I wasn't affectionate or compassionate cause I didn't embrace and return his over affection to a stranger (me). But god. I want the attention so bad I can taste it. I crave it. I want someone to be interested, who will forsake something the other boys are telling him to do for me. Other Half, Mr. Sexy, neither of them will do this for me lately. Though Other Half has done it in the past.
Other Half rarely shows affection. I had to yell at him to get him to emote affection in game. Its just not something he does. He might with some girl he liked but he won't show me any. Unless I'm mad. If I'm mad he's quick to tell me he cares (and gets mad if I imply or suggest otherwise) and has told me he loves me in the past (though not romantically).
Mr.Sexy shows affection... when he's not too busy playing the game with other boys. I wrote Mr.Sexy a sexy story tonight. One I promised him over a month ago.... And he's always asking about. He didn't even read it tonight. He was too busy playing his game with his male friends. *sigh* Way to make me feel like I wasted my time there Mr.Sexy.
I don't have any right to complain. I'm just the friend/former booty call to both these boys. *sigh* Yeah I need to stop doing this. Its rare I reciprocate anything. But I have with them. And honestly? If Other Half or Torrent acted like they were interested in it again, I'd take em both up on it. No questions asked. I talked to Torrent a bunch tonight. When Other Half came home, ended our night call, and never messaged me at all and went right into LoL. I finally mentioned something I saw online to him, then said something about my hw which he promised to help with. But it was getting too late. Honestly I was afraid he'd forget again. So I started working on it on my own. Til Torrent offered his help. So I talked to him for a couple hrs. It was great. I told him I was glad the stuff with us never got complicated. He acted like it did. I wanted elaboration. But you know men... nada. and I didn't want to push it.
But still. I want Attention. Affection. I can feel myself craving it. I want it. Bad. I feel like no matter what I try, it can't compete. I'm not used to it, the past while has spoiled me I guess. If I can't have love, can I not at least have attention, affection and lust? Come on and give a girl a break already! Other Half got furious at me for putting it that way before only a tad more flippant. But still ffs. I need something! Its driving me bat shit crazy. I need to lower my standards. Need to just do whatever to get at least one need satisfied. But I can't. And Nights like these, god I wish I could. Miserable.
*Sigh* I'm rambling now. Just wrote the same thing twice. Guess that means I just have to suck it up, pull up my big girl panties and try to get the fuck over it.
I need to add the odd stuff that happened last night here. But thats gonna have to wait til tomorrow at least. Its really late and well Other Half just commented that I'm typing really loud and apparently barely short of violent when I hit my enter key.
Avoir for now.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Busy Days, Busy Nights
Its been pretty busy around here with school and work and the kids. Thankfully its also a three day weekend coming up! Lots of catching up on things to do.
The past few days haven't been spectacular but they have been busy and not just for me and I get that I do. Other Half talked to me while he was on his way home from school Tuesday but once he got home he got silent again. I was like "Yup, knew that would happen" At around 1 I skyped him saying I was going to bed. I wasn't mad, and I knew he had to go to bed soon as well, but I was disappointed at the hot and cold messages, reactions, whatever you want to call them. He said he was coming to bed too. Being the smart ass I am I asked him by whose definition. He's been known to tell me that and take a couple more hours to do so. He said whenever his game was finished he would. Of course, that fucking game! Ugh! I laughed and kept it light with him while rolling my eyes on this side of the monitor. "So that means don't wait up" he laughed, said it wouldnt be long and said we would talk before we went to sleep. Ok hon, you win again. We didnt talk once you got home so you make it a point to talk before sleep. Its these kinds of things that make me less annoyed when you completely ignore me for a game. Call me stupid or easy or whatever, but I'm easy to please!
Wednesday I was afraid he'd screw it up when he didn't answer multiple skype messages for our WoW raid. He should of known it was raid day. His spot almost got filled. I was planning on bailing if he didn't go cause I just didn't want to be there if he wasn't and I had homework I had to do, but Mr.Sexy couldn't be there (he even called to let me know), and Other Half finally responded. Score. He payed attention and was fairly playful with me when I poked him for hugs or such in game (a complaint of mine a few weeks ago was that he never showed affection. Not even in game. He does now when I emote something at him. Its great. Then once raid was over I had to do a quiz. I tend to make stupid small mistakes when I'm in a hurry so I asked him to watch and make sure I didn't do anything stupid and fail my quiz. He helped. He has been helping me with my homework for every semester so far, just as Torrent has. He's an amazing teacher. I actually get stuff better when he explains it b/c he can explain it to fit me. Then he showed me how to do some number systems he is learning. It was interesting and I learned a lot. Who knew I'd be using something math like and numbers for FUN and entertainment purposes? Such total geeks. I loved every second. This lead to how color hex codes work (something I've played with before). So much geeky fun. I honestly think we'd both be hard pressed to find someone who could be equally entertained as we were by figuring this stuff out together.
Today he was REALLY quiet and poorly responsive. Til I called him on it (playfully). Then he called me lol. We've been in call since then and that was a couple hrs ago. He's humored me a lot. Sending him lots of files and links to old pictures of the girls and the cat and things I've made. He's also been playing his game. So his responses are limited and often he's so focused on the game he ignores what I say to him. This I'm pretty used to. I do the same thing when concentrating so I can't blame him tooo much... though yes I give him a playful hard time sometimes. Gotta keep the boy on his toes!
Mr.Sexy has been too busy for me lately, and its more likely then not to keep that way. This means I'm pretty certain he won't try to come down here like he said. Extremely disappointing but he'd probably be disappointed when he got here anyway.
Man I'm tired. I need to see if I can drag Other Half to bed.
Perhaps in the next post I'll introduce one or two other players in my stories. Let you get a good feel for them too.
The past few days haven't been spectacular but they have been busy and not just for me and I get that I do. Other Half talked to me while he was on his way home from school Tuesday but once he got home he got silent again. I was like "Yup, knew that would happen" At around 1 I skyped him saying I was going to bed. I wasn't mad, and I knew he had to go to bed soon as well, but I was disappointed at the hot and cold messages, reactions, whatever you want to call them. He said he was coming to bed too. Being the smart ass I am I asked him by whose definition. He's been known to tell me that and take a couple more hours to do so. He said whenever his game was finished he would. Of course, that fucking game! Ugh! I laughed and kept it light with him while rolling my eyes on this side of the monitor. "So that means don't wait up" he laughed, said it wouldnt be long and said we would talk before we went to sleep. Ok hon, you win again. We didnt talk once you got home so you make it a point to talk before sleep. Its these kinds of things that make me less annoyed when you completely ignore me for a game. Call me stupid or easy or whatever, but I'm easy to please!
Wednesday I was afraid he'd screw it up when he didn't answer multiple skype messages for our WoW raid. He should of known it was raid day. His spot almost got filled. I was planning on bailing if he didn't go cause I just didn't want to be there if he wasn't and I had homework I had to do, but Mr.Sexy couldn't be there (he even called to let me know), and Other Half finally responded. Score. He payed attention and was fairly playful with me when I poked him for hugs or such in game (a complaint of mine a few weeks ago was that he never showed affection. Not even in game. He does now when I emote something at him. Its great. Then once raid was over I had to do a quiz. I tend to make stupid small mistakes when I'm in a hurry so I asked him to watch and make sure I didn't do anything stupid and fail my quiz. He helped. He has been helping me with my homework for every semester so far, just as Torrent has. He's an amazing teacher. I actually get stuff better when he explains it b/c he can explain it to fit me. Then he showed me how to do some number systems he is learning. It was interesting and I learned a lot. Who knew I'd be using something math like and numbers for FUN and entertainment purposes? Such total geeks. I loved every second. This lead to how color hex codes work (something I've played with before). So much geeky fun. I honestly think we'd both be hard pressed to find someone who could be equally entertained as we were by figuring this stuff out together.
Today he was REALLY quiet and poorly responsive. Til I called him on it (playfully). Then he called me lol. We've been in call since then and that was a couple hrs ago. He's humored me a lot. Sending him lots of files and links to old pictures of the girls and the cat and things I've made. He's also been playing his game. So his responses are limited and often he's so focused on the game he ignores what I say to him. This I'm pretty used to. I do the same thing when concentrating so I can't blame him tooo much... though yes I give him a playful hard time sometimes. Gotta keep the boy on his toes!
Mr.Sexy has been too busy for me lately, and its more likely then not to keep that way. This means I'm pretty certain he won't try to come down here like he said. Extremely disappointing but he'd probably be disappointed when he got here anyway.
Man I'm tired. I need to see if I can drag Other Half to bed.
Perhaps in the next post I'll introduce one or two other players in my stories. Let you get a good feel for them too.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Oh yeah. Thats why.
I'm in a considerably good mood today. I got nearly 10 hrs of sleep after going to bed early. It felt great! Since most nights I only get 2-3 hrs of sleep. (Side note: I just realized that I naturally type hrs instead of hours and have to concentrate to type the second.... You know you are a computer addict when.....) Anyway, I spent yesterday texting Mr.Sexy a little, but for a vast majority of the day texting Torrent (a good friend, previous short lived fling, who is currently going through the same thing) He is also a mutual friend of the Other Half. Twice I had to go into the bathroom at work cause I was tearing up. I was still pretty upset about the Other Half despite him actually calling (though not speaking) the night before. Torrent said he'd talk to the Other Half and get his side, see whats going on in his head and see whats bothering him. Not only is he adorably sexy but he's a good friend too. The chick that didn't choose him? Yeah she's a complete idiot. Torrent is actually a lot like Other Half in many ways. In others not so much.
When I got home I was trying to do homework and reading this horrible article one of my professor assigned. NO ONE can understand it. It was a horrible painful read. Torrent was helping me with it and with Math when suddenly *Bloop Bloop* Skype message. This is not something unusual. My skype is always on and at any given second one of a dozen people could message me. But who should it be?
The Other Half. Whats this? Just simple start off message, light hearted. Its so very him. I was afraid to talk to him, afraid he'd leave me hanging. I responded but I tried not to make too many inquires or leave open ended comments. He kept talking. He was playing the dreaded game as well according to someone in our large skype call. If they hadn't of said it, I wouldn't have known. See? This is what I like. Not the lack of responses for hours on end, or the no response at all. When he went to eat he told me he was going to sit down to eat, but, he assured me, he'd have his phone. Which he messaged me from as soon as he walked away. Like old times. Its easy to see why I got addicted to him.
Later he went out with his dad, and told me he was going then too. Told me when he got back etc. By this time I've finished my homework with help from Torrent. Its pretty late and my migraine from that article was getting to me, so I laid down with my phone in hand to text and relax. Apparently I fell asleep. Then *skype ring* A call. Now. I'm pretty attuned to these calls. Back before we started adjusting our sleep together I'd go to bed before the Other Half and he would call when he came to bed. Then we stopped doing that and started going to bed together. But still. That sound. I got up and answered it. "I'm just getting ready to grab another bite to eat, then I'll be going to bed after. Just wanted to let you know." Consideration. Attention. That's what I want from him. That's what I'm used to after the nearly 2 years we have been so very close. He came back and was eating for a sec before he said "okay going up to bed. I'll call you when I get up there. Clicky." Yes. Clicky. I don't remember when it started but as long as one of us is home or awake that is how he ends the call.
He did call when he came to bed. He always does (with the exception of vacations and the two weeks we were both heartbroken pretty much). I slept amazingly. His alarm clock woke me up this am. Between the sleep and him actually making an effort (and a good one) today was a good day. God, lets hope he keeps it up and its not more yo-yo-ing. Im not supposed to love him anymore. I'm supposed to be getting over him, but god. This boy. He sure doesn't make it easy. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me and I'll never have him.
When I got home I was trying to do homework and reading this horrible article one of my professor assigned. NO ONE can understand it. It was a horrible painful read. Torrent was helping me with it and with Math when suddenly *Bloop Bloop* Skype message. This is not something unusual. My skype is always on and at any given second one of a dozen people could message me. But who should it be?
The Other Half. Whats this? Just simple start off message, light hearted. Its so very him. I was afraid to talk to him, afraid he'd leave me hanging. I responded but I tried not to make too many inquires or leave open ended comments. He kept talking. He was playing the dreaded game as well according to someone in our large skype call. If they hadn't of said it, I wouldn't have known. See? This is what I like. Not the lack of responses for hours on end, or the no response at all. When he went to eat he told me he was going to sit down to eat, but, he assured me, he'd have his phone. Which he messaged me from as soon as he walked away. Like old times. Its easy to see why I got addicted to him.
Later he went out with his dad, and told me he was going then too. Told me when he got back etc. By this time I've finished my homework with help from Torrent. Its pretty late and my migraine from that article was getting to me, so I laid down with my phone in hand to text and relax. Apparently I fell asleep. Then *skype ring* A call. Now. I'm pretty attuned to these calls. Back before we started adjusting our sleep together I'd go to bed before the Other Half and he would call when he came to bed. Then we stopped doing that and started going to bed together. But still. That sound. I got up and answered it. "I'm just getting ready to grab another bite to eat, then I'll be going to bed after. Just wanted to let you know." Consideration. Attention. That's what I want from him. That's what I'm used to after the nearly 2 years we have been so very close. He came back and was eating for a sec before he said "okay going up to bed. I'll call you when I get up there. Clicky." Yes. Clicky. I don't remember when it started but as long as one of us is home or awake that is how he ends the call.
He did call when he came to bed. He always does (with the exception of vacations and the two weeks we were both heartbroken pretty much). I slept amazingly. His alarm clock woke me up this am. Between the sleep and him actually making an effort (and a good one) today was a good day. God, lets hope he keeps it up and its not more yo-yo-ing. Im not supposed to love him anymore. I'm supposed to be getting over him, but god. This boy. He sure doesn't make it easy. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me and I'll never have him.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Way to care too much, dumbass....
Yep. That is how I feel at the moment. I've fucked things up again. First I had to do something incredibly stupid and fall in love with a friend. Not just a friend but a friend who lives two timezones away. A friend who cares about me, just not in the way I care about him. Smooth move idiot.
I even took a chance. A risk. Something I NEVER do and told him how I felt. God, could you get any more stupid? Somehow we made it through that and remained friends. Then after all the hot and cold and all the mixed signals and everyone including our mutual friends asking what was between us, *I* asked again. *headdesk*
Time goes on and one day he decides he wants to date this little mess of a tramp b/c omg, she's in reachable distance with no effort! Apparently these days sometimes that's all that matters at first. I lost it on him. Nearly lost him in the process. We pulled through after neither one of us ate for nearly a week and a half and slept like hell. We were both a wreck. Some things got back to normal. Our nightly calls, which he thought should stop for my sake resumed. He started them back up again. I answered mind you. How could I not? But he kept calling (and I love that.... /dumb) For my sake only eh? right.
Then he got physically sick at the idea of me dating or possibly sleeping with other guys. I've dated yes. He told me to. I haven't slept with anyone but the idea of it upset him pretty good. Yet he doesn't feel the same way. Right. Whatever.
So then him and our mutual male friends get ass deep into this game. The only time he will talk to me is when he's at work or when he calls super late at night and then tells me he has to go right to sleep.
Considering we used to do stuff together all the time, we've leveled like 5 toons together in WoW, we've read a huge novel and made it half way through the second together (him reading them both out loud might I add) he bought me another game so we could play it together, and various other things. But always if he wanted to go watch something or go out, as long as we didn't have plans I was supported and often covered for him. We knew where the other was and what the other was doing pretty much literally 24/7 And it was amazing. Companionship, support, we know each other insanely well. My ex husband never knew me as well as Other Half seems to. I love that he gets me... even when I barely make sense to myself (and I've even tested him by making him explain my point back to me. He really gets me.)
So when I get upset that he pretty much stopped talking to me when he was too busy for me and not for others I cant take it. I also have my other best friend moving out of state soon and she's being kinda a bitch about it and other things, including this guy who tried to date me and I turned down. She was making comments about being his baby mama and shit in front of him at a baby shower, but anyway both of these things as well as work, school and home stress as well as party planning for my daughters birthday and everything else I have to deal with has me incredibly upset. I told him (we'll call him Other Half for now. mainly b/c our odd connection makes us seem like two halves of a whole. And its not just both of us who see it this way its anyone who knows us both) Anyway, I told him that I was upset cause I felt like I was losing my flaky best friend (who will now be called Bonnie. She has a fiance, a former fling and friend, whom we will call Clyde) and him as well. And told him it was because I couldn't remember the last time we actually spent time together doing something and he rarely talked to me cause of this game. I told him I was upset and he said he would do what he could. But he was also playing the game at the time. So he was talking well considering that but still. Come on, I'm telling you I feel like I'm losing you, that I'm stressed and angry and near tears and you cant say "Hey. I'm here. Lets do something together so you feel better"
Clearly this is asking way way way too much. I say I'm about to go lay down cause I feel like I'm breaking and I get "Okay I'm coming to bed in a little bit, I have to be up early"
Really? First of all yes I'm aware you do. I still know your schedule if you actually tell me it, and secondly you can't stop the game and come take care of someone who is upset cause they think they are losing you? That's way way too much to ask. clearly. I ranted. On Fb. It was directed at three people really. My other half, Bonnie, and Mr.Sexy (A sweet friend who is also serving as a booty call) who have all been pretty much "oh hi" when they have feel like it but unresponsive otherwise. Both of the boys have been playing this game too fucking much (every night 6 hrs or more a night). I HATE the game now needless to say. Well Other Half and Mr.Sexy both caught on that the message was directed at them (guilty much boys?) and Other Half lashed right back out on FB. This is something he never does.
And because *I* And such a fucking dumbass I immediately feel guilty and try to make sure he is at least not hating me so much that he wont speak to me. He ignores me for an hr, vents to some mutual friends saying I'm mad cause he wont respond to texts, then finally messages me and tells me he's not dealing with it tonight and don't assume he doesn't want to spend time with me b/c he's interested in something else that I don't like and he's not only going to do things that I like. Ummmm Hello? When have I EVER been like that? As long as you spend time with me I'm good to go, I don't expect him NOT to do other things too, that's just stupid and controlling. But friends do DO things together. Or at least try to, in some form or another. Sure we're back to (literally here people) sleeping together but that's fucking it. ugh.
I'm an idiot cause I care too much and get upset that the best friend I ever had doesn't want to spend time with me cause he's too ass deep in some game and "has his own thing going on" Um hello? Its not your own thing when you are doing it will all of our other friends.... That's not your own thing!!!!!! But whatever. I don't fucking know. Like a god damn fool I asked him to call so I would know he didn't hate me at least. He did. Neither of us spoke and he went to sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know I need to stop relying on mutual friends for this though, I feel like I put them in the middle and I don't want to, but they are my rocks. Hence the blog. Now when I can't talk to my Nita on skype I can keep her informed and vent my shit at the same time so I don't talk to the other boys. I'm totally stealing her idea. Hope you don't have it copyrighted love! ;)
P.S. F.M.L.
I even took a chance. A risk. Something I NEVER do and told him how I felt. God, could you get any more stupid? Somehow we made it through that and remained friends. Then after all the hot and cold and all the mixed signals and everyone including our mutual friends asking what was between us, *I* asked again. *headdesk*
Time goes on and one day he decides he wants to date this little mess of a tramp b/c omg, she's in reachable distance with no effort! Apparently these days sometimes that's all that matters at first. I lost it on him. Nearly lost him in the process. We pulled through after neither one of us ate for nearly a week and a half and slept like hell. We were both a wreck. Some things got back to normal. Our nightly calls, which he thought should stop for my sake resumed. He started them back up again. I answered mind you. How could I not? But he kept calling (and I love that.... /dumb) For my sake only eh? right.
Then he got physically sick at the idea of me dating or possibly sleeping with other guys. I've dated yes. He told me to. I haven't slept with anyone but the idea of it upset him pretty good. Yet he doesn't feel the same way. Right. Whatever.
So then him and our mutual male friends get ass deep into this game. The only time he will talk to me is when he's at work or when he calls super late at night and then tells me he has to go right to sleep.
Considering we used to do stuff together all the time, we've leveled like 5 toons together in WoW, we've read a huge novel and made it half way through the second together (him reading them both out loud might I add) he bought me another game so we could play it together, and various other things. But always if he wanted to go watch something or go out, as long as we didn't have plans I was supported and often covered for him. We knew where the other was and what the other was doing pretty much literally 24/7 And it was amazing. Companionship, support, we know each other insanely well. My ex husband never knew me as well as Other Half seems to. I love that he gets me... even when I barely make sense to myself (and I've even tested him by making him explain my point back to me. He really gets me.)
So when I get upset that he pretty much stopped talking to me when he was too busy for me and not for others I cant take it. I also have my other best friend moving out of state soon and she's being kinda a bitch about it and other things, including this guy who tried to date me and I turned down. She was making comments about being his baby mama and shit in front of him at a baby shower, but anyway both of these things as well as work, school and home stress as well as party planning for my daughters birthday and everything else I have to deal with has me incredibly upset. I told him (we'll call him Other Half for now. mainly b/c our odd connection makes us seem like two halves of a whole. And its not just both of us who see it this way its anyone who knows us both) Anyway, I told him that I was upset cause I felt like I was losing my flaky best friend (who will now be called Bonnie. She has a fiance, a former fling and friend, whom we will call Clyde) and him as well. And told him it was because I couldn't remember the last time we actually spent time together doing something and he rarely talked to me cause of this game. I told him I was upset and he said he would do what he could. But he was also playing the game at the time. So he was talking well considering that but still. Come on, I'm telling you I feel like I'm losing you, that I'm stressed and angry and near tears and you cant say "Hey. I'm here. Lets do something together so you feel better"
Clearly this is asking way way way too much. I say I'm about to go lay down cause I feel like I'm breaking and I get "Okay I'm coming to bed in a little bit, I have to be up early"
Really? First of all yes I'm aware you do. I still know your schedule if you actually tell me it, and secondly you can't stop the game and come take care of someone who is upset cause they think they are losing you? That's way way too much to ask. clearly. I ranted. On Fb. It was directed at three people really. My other half, Bonnie, and Mr.Sexy (A sweet friend who is also serving as a booty call) who have all been pretty much "oh hi" when they have feel like it but unresponsive otherwise. Both of the boys have been playing this game too fucking much (every night 6 hrs or more a night). I HATE the game now needless to say. Well Other Half and Mr.Sexy both caught on that the message was directed at them (guilty much boys?) and Other Half lashed right back out on FB. This is something he never does.
And because *I* And such a fucking dumbass I immediately feel guilty and try to make sure he is at least not hating me so much that he wont speak to me. He ignores me for an hr, vents to some mutual friends saying I'm mad cause he wont respond to texts, then finally messages me and tells me he's not dealing with it tonight and don't assume he doesn't want to spend time with me b/c he's interested in something else that I don't like and he's not only going to do things that I like. Ummmm Hello? When have I EVER been like that? As long as you spend time with me I'm good to go, I don't expect him NOT to do other things too, that's just stupid and controlling. But friends do DO things together. Or at least try to, in some form or another. Sure we're back to (literally here people) sleeping together but that's fucking it. ugh.
I'm an idiot cause I care too much and get upset that the best friend I ever had doesn't want to spend time with me cause he's too ass deep in some game and "has his own thing going on" Um hello? Its not your own thing when you are doing it will all of our other friends.... That's not your own thing!!!!!! But whatever. I don't fucking know. Like a god damn fool I asked him to call so I would know he didn't hate me at least. He did. Neither of us spoke and he went to sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know I need to stop relying on mutual friends for this though, I feel like I put them in the middle and I don't want to, but they are my rocks. Hence the blog. Now when I can't talk to my Nita on skype I can keep her informed and vent my shit at the same time so I don't talk to the other boys. I'm totally stealing her idea. Hope you don't have it copyrighted love! ;)
P.S. F.M.L.
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