Yep. That is how I feel at the moment. I've fucked things up again. First I had to do something incredibly stupid and fall in love with a friend. Not just a friend but a friend who lives two timezones away. A friend who cares about me, just not in the way I care about him. Smooth move idiot.
I even took a chance. A risk. Something I NEVER do and told him how I felt. God, could you get any more stupid? Somehow we made it through that and remained friends. Then after all the hot and cold and all the mixed signals and everyone including our mutual friends asking what was between us, *I* asked again. *headdesk*
Time goes on and one day he decides he wants to date this little mess of a tramp b/c omg, she's in reachable distance with no effort! Apparently these days sometimes that's all that matters at first. I lost it on him. Nearly lost him in the process. We pulled through after neither one of us ate for nearly a week and a half and slept like hell. We were both a wreck. Some things got back to normal. Our nightly calls, which he thought should stop for my sake resumed. He started them back up again. I answered mind you. How could I not? But he kept calling (and I love that.... /dumb) For my sake only eh? right.
Then he got physically sick at the idea of me dating or possibly sleeping with other guys. I've dated yes. He told me to. I haven't slept with anyone but the idea of it upset him pretty good. Yet he doesn't feel the same way. Right. Whatever.
So then him and our mutual male friends get ass deep into this game. The only time he will talk to me is when he's at work or when he calls super late at night and then tells me he has to go right to sleep.
Considering we used to do stuff together all the time, we've leveled like 5 toons together in WoW, we've read a huge novel and made it half way through the second together (him reading them both out loud might I add) he bought me another game so we could play it together, and various other things. But always if he wanted to go watch something or go out, as long as we didn't have plans I was supported and often covered for him. We knew where the other was and what the other was doing pretty much literally 24/7 And it was amazing. Companionship, support, we know each other insanely well. My ex husband never knew me as well as Other Half seems to. I love that he gets me... even when I barely make sense to myself (and I've even tested him by making him explain my point back to me. He really gets me.)
So when I get upset that he pretty much stopped talking to me when he was too busy for me and not for others I cant take it. I also have my other best friend moving out of state soon and she's being kinda a bitch about it and other things, including this guy who tried to date me and I turned down. She was making comments about being his baby mama and shit in front of him at a baby shower, but anyway both of these things as well as work, school and home stress as well as party planning for my daughters birthday and everything else I have to deal with has me incredibly upset. I told him (we'll call him Other Half for now. mainly b/c our odd connection makes us seem like two halves of a whole. And its not just both of us who see it this way its anyone who knows us both) Anyway, I told him that I was upset cause I felt like I was losing my flaky best friend (who will now be called Bonnie. She has a fiance, a former fling and friend, whom we will call Clyde) and him as well. And told him it was because I couldn't remember the last time we actually spent time together doing something and he rarely talked to me cause of this game. I told him I was upset and he said he would do what he could. But he was also playing the game at the time. So he was talking well considering that but still. Come on, I'm telling you I feel like I'm losing you, that I'm stressed and angry and near tears and you cant say "Hey. I'm here. Lets do something together so you feel better"
Clearly this is asking way way way too much. I say I'm about to go lay down cause I feel like I'm breaking and I get "Okay I'm coming to bed in a little bit, I have to be up early"
Really? First of all yes I'm aware you do. I still know your schedule if you actually tell me it, and secondly you can't stop the game and come take care of someone who is upset cause they think they are losing you? That's way way too much to ask. clearly. I ranted. On Fb. It was directed at three people really. My other half, Bonnie, and Mr.Sexy (A sweet friend who is also serving as a booty call) who have all been pretty much "oh hi" when they have feel like it but unresponsive otherwise. Both of the boys have been playing this game too fucking much (every night 6 hrs or more a night). I HATE the game now needless to say. Well Other Half and Mr.Sexy both caught on that the message was directed at them (guilty much boys?) and Other Half lashed right back out on FB. This is something he never does.
And because *I* And such a fucking dumbass I immediately feel guilty and try to make sure he is at least not hating me so much that he wont speak to me. He ignores me for an hr, vents to some mutual friends saying I'm mad cause he wont respond to texts, then finally messages me and tells me he's not dealing with it tonight and don't assume he doesn't want to spend time with me b/c he's interested in something else that I don't like and he's not only going to do things that I like. Ummmm Hello? When have I EVER been like that? As long as you spend time with me I'm good to go, I don't expect him NOT to do other things too, that's just stupid and controlling. But friends do DO things together. Or at least try to, in some form or another. Sure we're back to (literally here people) sleeping together but that's fucking it. ugh.
I'm an idiot cause I care too much and get upset that the best friend I ever had doesn't want to spend time with me cause he's too ass deep in some game and "has his own thing going on" Um hello? Its not your own thing when you are doing it will all of our other friends.... That's not your own thing!!!!!! But whatever. I don't fucking know. Like a god damn fool I asked him to call so I would know he didn't hate me at least. He did. Neither of us spoke and he went to sleep.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I do know I need to stop relying on mutual friends for this though, I feel like I put them in the middle and I don't want to, but they are my rocks. Hence the blog. Now when I can't talk to my Nita on skype I can keep her informed and vent my shit at the same time so I don't talk to the other boys. I'm totally stealing her idea. Hope you don't have it copyrighted love! ;)
P.S. F.M.L.
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